When was the last time you had the “tickle”, the release, the big O? Don’t worry, thankfully this is a podcast, and you don’t have to answer that out loud and no one can see the face you made to the question. In any case, I hope it hasn’t been too long. Today we are going to explore some of the benefits of orgasms and how you can have more of them.
Some of the benefits of orgasms and sex include anti-aging effects, improved sleep quality, stress reduction, hormone and mood regulation, clearer mind, improved immune system just to name a few. Dr. Wilhem Reich would go even further to say that orgasms are an expression of our life force – the orgone. This life force has expressions in all living organisms. He unfortunately was imprisoned for his research and subsequently died in jail. He was researching the curative effects of the orgone on people. According to Reich, the function of orgasm is to create large quantities of orgone than in turn promote wellness. Reich’s methods and theories have been put under scrutiny, but it doesn’t take an expert to understand that sexual energy is potent and it has been proven by numerous studies that having healthy levels of it are a critical component to wellbeing.
So, we want to have more orgasms, more pleasure, right? First of all, sex and love are two different and independent things. We will go into detail on that in future episodes. Now, let’s review the basics.
1. Orgasm is a response to a prolonged stimulus. It’s characterized by involuntary contractions lasting on average 0.8 seconds and varying in number and intensity. There are techniques designed to elongate them, such as pelvic floor exercises, Tantra or Extended Massive Orgasm. Some studies indicate that anywhere between 5 and 10% of the population have never had an orgasm, so don’t feel bad if that is your case right now. There’s nothing wrong with you, it is just a question of time and appropriate practice.
2. It’s only one stop in a journey of pleasure. According to the Masters’ and Johnson framework it falls right between plateau and resolution. Considering its duration, it’s wise and recommended to enjoy the whole process, as it too is filled with boundless pleasure.
3. The process is circular not linear. You should always be prepping for your next encounter, living in a continuous cycle of pleasure, each with different stops along the way. Don’t be afraid to incorporate erotic doses to your life as this creates a receptive context for future sessions. It’s hard to get excited if you fill your mind only with news, spreadsheets and diapers.
4. Only you are responsible for the degree and frequency of pleasure in your life. It all begins with you making it a priority. Excuses, regardless of their potential validity, only delay you reaching your goals.
5. Practice. For improvements in any aspect of life, frequent practice is necessary. Sex and pleasure are no different. This applies irrespective of your sentimental status and availability of partners. Your pleasure always begins with you and your body, so let’s get to it. I know it’s unpopular to suggest “practice” when you don’t feel like it, but since I advocate for a view of sex that is just like going to the gym or having a healthy meal, sometimes you just don’t feel like it, but it’s in your best interest to partake, nonetheless.
Now onto the practice. Let’s draw an image to set the parameters – the triangle of pleasure.
At the base of the triangle, we have the body. The body is your vehicle of pleasure in life. It’s the most advanced technology in the world and we each have our sample to explore with. Try textures, positions, times of day, toys, lubricants, partners, sounds, speed, movement, etc. This is an ongoing process so don’t assume you’ve done it all. The wider your spectrum, the more you’ll know your body and the more flexibility you’ll have to enjoy it. This will enable you to have more options for yourself and for shared encounters. Touch often and enjoy being touched. This is a basic human need, so learn to soak it all in all in its endless forms. Also, increased body conscientiousness should help to keep better habits, such as diet, exercise, sleep, etc. all of which play a role in overall health and performance.
On the left angle we have attention. In the same way that it is rude to meet up with your friend and be on your phone, the same applies to meeting your partner (or even alone) and not focusing on what you have before you. It subtracts from your enjoyment, weakens your self-control and focus, and creates erroneous patterns of behavior. With ever increasing distractions and stressors, this is a continuous challenge. Practicing meditation, breathing exercises, mantras, or whatever reminder helps to bring you back to the moment, will be worth your while. Remember that you deserve pleasure and the only way to let it flow is through your attention. A good trick here is to focus on the sensations and minute details to get you back to present – kisses, caresses are easy ones.
And on the right side, we have communication. Perhaps the toughest when referring to shared experiences. As everything else, it requires practice. When giving feedback remember to be kind and not demanding, no one wants to receive orders from a tyrant, that is unless you’re engaging in roleplay. As the recipient, be flexible and don’t take comments personally. For both parts, remember that the other is after your pleasure and mutual enjoyment, so most things are negotiable it is just a question of finding what each needs and how to bring that about. Sex has many objectives and one of them is communication. For those that are on the shy side, try using your hands and other non-verbal language to guide in bed. This is a muscle, so the more you train healthy communication the better and easier it will get. This is also a good moment to mention that you must seek your pleasure and make it a priority. You’ll have to do what feels good for your body. Don’t be shy about going after your pleasure. Think about it this way, the more you let yourself go to seek your pleasure the more permission you give the other to do the same. It can create a beautiful synergy of bliss.
To close, you deserve more pleasure period and orgasms too. Thus, you and only you are responsible for making it a priority in your life and looking for ways to cultivate a healthy sexuality. When you get lazy on the matter, think of the benefits and how good it feels. For those that don’t know what an orgasm is, don’t worry, it will come but the steps apply to you too. For more resources on learning to orgasm, check out Finishing School by Vanessa Marin. Learning what feels good in your body is a process, so keep exploring and enjoy the road.
Until next week, when we’ll explore good ol’ fashioned, tender loving care thorough the story of Jack and Lin. Chao